pinkmutton's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] pinkmutton [medicos|ade.medgroup, johnicology, undies drawer, willy wanker, re-minisce, munzy, clare, sbmj, amss] [friends|soffz, habz, naj, ted, qiuling, frinn, rahmat, ika, muna, joyce, jeremy] [others|mr brown, teflon, syntaxfree, nazmi] [randoms|wishlist] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

hello [22 Nov 2005|12:36pm] just keeping my account active. 2 comments #*say something#*

moved [28 Aug 2005|11:20pm] i have officially moved my blog. it's still a bit messy though, so do bear with me. this journal will eventually be deleted. visit me ps. thanks zq for finally making me realise that i ought to do this. 2 comments #*say something#*

mistakes [21 Aug 2005|09:34pm] this by no means reflects any suicidial tendencies on my part. nor does it tell of what i am truly feeling at the moment or what has happened previously in my life. i unknowingly saw a reflection of my past and it stirred up painful memories. it started with bad choices, wrong moves and debilitating consequences. even after i have distanced myself physically from him, both in time and expanse, these emotions return in cascades that prove too much for me to handle, especially when i see his face. him and her. all characters are of pure fiction and by no means do i advocate the worthlessness of life, particularly when i choose to engage in a profession that defers mortality. and yes, this will pass. it has before. i've done this countless of times. i'm strong. in fact, i'm even beyond that. i'm super-strong. now let me see, where was that creme caramel that i was devouring before my mind came to this? ************************************************************************************************************************************************************* you wonder why you are standing here in this room. the morning has just started and you are better off sitting at the cafe; the sunday times sprawled across your lap, the steaming mug of cappucino (less milk, extra shots), the cigarette cradled between your fingers. the smoke lingers above the table edge, and you like the smell of tobacco by your crisp shirt. that and the traces of ash that crumble into smaller pieces by your socks. these little things define you, they make you what you are. you've said the rest of the day would be meaningless, nothing without them. you see me here instead, cuddled in a corner. i am wrapped in sheets - soiled, creased and torn. my hair is dishevelled, not as neatly combed and tied like i always wear it. my eyes are bloodshot because i have not slept in days. my mascara is smeared and they form traces around my cheeks. my face is cupped and i cannot bear to look at you. i have no reason to exist. nothing, absolutely nothing right now can define me. i am weak. i am teetering by the edges of death herself. i am helpless. i can only see the end coming towards me. i am broken; i am lost. you have two choices. i want you to pick up the gun beside you. silver-streamed; already loaded with five bullets. five - i gave him five chances. he gave me five lies. the gun, look at it; lying so serenely on the coffee table. aim it not at my face; it has seen too much. point it straight at my heart; that has felt much more. it no longer beats with life, but taps the rhythm of death. of hurt. i have made a mistake. yes, tell them these last words. they may understand if they had time to listen. i have crossed my limits and it was too late to turn back. i am a vagabond in my own life. even i cannot control my future. i have none left anyway. so what are you waiting for? i will not fight back. you see these hands? i have scratched them. each thought of him, of how these hands have healed and not hurt, how they were used to weep and not shield me from his attacks; they never had a proper use. accomplices, all of them working against me. you've been thinking too long. i sense your pause, the guilt and the shame. you pity me. you're grasping the gun but you're not looking at me. you don't want to be here. you're breaking sweats, your shirt is soaked. your eyes are pleading; make this stop. i can't tell - do you want to leave this place or do you want me to live? you apologise. you say you can't do it. you place the gun back in its original place. you grab your coat and you fumble at the doorknob. number two. you chose to abandon me. you and all the others before me. i see you leave; you're just like him. a fucking coward, that's what you are. that's what he said he was too. liars all of you. you tell me to live, but you want me dead. i looked out the window and i saw you cross the road to get the morning news. you're clumsily reaching for a pack of cigs, soon you're smoking swiftly like your life depended on it. my existence depends on nothing. i teeter at the brinks of insanity. lose my balance and i fall in the depths of despair. i lean forward to look at you closer. if i cannot read him like a book, i can try to decipher you instead. all men are mysteries, all men are the same. i feel weightless. i feel free. as my head smashes against the pavement, i could have sworn i saw you smile. indeed, i was your morning headline. i was the ignition that sparked the rest of your day. he used to tell me that back then, his smile framing the dimples by his cheeks. but he left me thereafter. you flicked the cigarette to the floor and smeared it against the ground with your shoe. you turned the corner and you left as well. 1 comment #*say something#*

this journal reeks of, erm, emptiness [20 Aug 2005|11:00pm] yes, my dear readers, i am currently what you would call *a bit on the busy side*, a phrase so lovingly used as a slight euphemism for *stressed*. the workload has been a downright fucker this time round, but thanks to what has happened yesterday (read: kate, my tutor, has offered me a semester's supply of free metal clips courtesy of the MEU...it's just clogging up her home-space) has somehow uplifted my sad, sorry mood to unbelievable celestial heights, more so than enough for me to finally recall that i have a journal slowly approaching the ebbs of extinction somewhere in the bowels of cyberspace. so now, with the advent of spring (oh no winter, must you leave me again?), the weather has been getting all wonky with warm sunny days and cold blistering showers meshed up together...like rojak. i never liked that dish that much anyway. not as much as laksa and chicken rice. i haven't done many non-academic activities nowadays. *the impressionist*, a book by hari kunzru that i was eager to read has only been enjoyed halfway through. i can't seem to muster enough energy to finish it up, what with the piles of reading material that i have. it seems that the only leisure activites i routinely enjoy are my *sex and the city* dvds that i watch in the mornings while preparing for school, and gym. well, for what it's worth, i have to admit that i am currently possessing a dwindling pool of creativity. i have nothing to blog about. well, at least, there's nothing much to expand on, so i'll just write out a list of the things i have done so far: 1. i attended my very first amss social gathering. *med revue* was an inaugural occasion and it was extremely entertaining. truthfully saying, i went partly because of ***************** (obviously, by no means do the number of stars indicate the number of letters in his name) because ever since i first had a conversation with him last year, i have always felt a slight attraction to him. sadly, he doesn't have enough metrosexual blood in him to take care of his appearance 75% of the time. the remaining 25%, now that's when it really matters. 2. i met up with felicia over the national day celebrations. she's here for a whole month of holidays; back to pathetic australia where she used to embark on a biomed degree. trinity college called just as she was settled, and she promptly packed her bags to do medicine in dublin. so there we were, discussing europe, dublin and the likes. contrary to my beliefs, it really isn't that hip and fun in ireland and no, the accent isn't worse than the aussies. she told me of her shopping getaways to the nearby cities. i swear, i have to go to london soon. 3. my new tutors this year share a certain thing in common - they have both lived and worked in london (i had the indecency to ask). well, kate worked in a large pharmaceutical company in cambridge (or similar) and decided to return to australia to start a family. anne, on the other hand, prefers to travel around the world and adelaide happened to be the next spot in her list. 4. i have ikea furniture in my room, something of a miracle considering that ikea is finally opening her first store in adelaide next year. i adore garage sales. 5. rachel, my jc mate, is in chicago! she's doing her LLM before her LLBs and that i reckon is one hell of a go-getter. she assured me though that no, i am not kiasu and that northwestern is too multi-ethnic. in the meantime as well, ted should be preparing to leave for michigan. ah, the excitment of virgins embarking to the wild wild world of overseas studies. and i guess there's more, but i really am unable to squeeze them out of my mind. oh that's such a pity-ass attempt at updating. i'll try harder next time round. my brain's currently too clogged up with medicine. now i wonder whether there's a cure for that. 1 comment #*say something#*

a little busy [05 Aug 2005|09:24am] i'm updating because i'm paranoid that livejournal would delete my blog. so while i'm at it, i'll list some blogworthy things: 1. uni baaaad. remind me again why i'm doing this, if i happen to complain. (the appropriate response would be "you want to save people") 2. i take fruits, maggie noodles, chicken porridge or vegetable soup as my main meals. 3. it doesn't help if i suffer from the dreaded medical-student syndrome, particularly whilst we're dealing with a depression case. 4. i have no internet at home. 5. i have no phone line at home. 6. i am an alien. a lone alien. am at uni now. lecture coming up (and it's about sex..he he he he).i'll see you guys soon. 3 comments #*say something#*

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